She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
