Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
