I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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