dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
