I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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