he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
