We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
