A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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