so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
