On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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