just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize