The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
