Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
