You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
