I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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