I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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