You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
