I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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