She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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