There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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