we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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