I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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