my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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