i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
