i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
