My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
