if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
