sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize