I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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