I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
