and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
