ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
