checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize