dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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