hotel room ftw
he told me I talked like a deaf person
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
