I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
