Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I need a beard to bite.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
