WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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