Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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