it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
