headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
