Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
