dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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