Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I need help removing her.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
