Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
