i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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