your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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