Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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