Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
and she was petting her beer can
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
