I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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