Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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