I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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