I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
