I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
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