Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
