Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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