When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
