Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just cropdusted the office
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize