I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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