You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
