Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Who did Billy Mays play for?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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