Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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