Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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