I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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