you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
