She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
