No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
