I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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