On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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