You can't special order awesome
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
