I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
