I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
