this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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